Coming to Terms
by Vescaus
Summary: Rodney McKay was well overdue for a mental breakdown. It took his kidnapping and rescue to eventually drag everyone else down with him too.
1. Chapter 1

COMING TO TERMS

By Vescaus

Disclaimer: No ownership claiming here.

Spoilers: General Season 4 spoilers. Takes place after _Miller's Crossing _but before _This Mortal Coil._

Notes: I wouldn't say this is a particularly happy story. I just couldn't resist writing some angst given the relationships that seem to be much deeper this season and there's the acknowledgment that everything is much harder on a personal level. Enjoy!

_

* * *

__Chapter One_

As a soldier, John was accustomed the sounds of men screaming in pain and anguish. It was something that military training could never prepare someone for; yet over time as combat became a regular occurrence, the sounds of those men, those brave men who were trained to resist pain, became a part of military life. It was a scary concept: that one human being could break down another human being through pain and torture. Everything which portrayed a man strong on the outside could just crack like an egg and let loose. John had seen men like this. Those who you thought could not be penetrated, who came across as so invincible could be broken after all. John Sheppard was just glad that so far he'd never had to hear his unit's screams of pain. He'd never had to deal with a friend going through such anguish in the line of duty.

Of course, there was a first time for everything especially in the Pegasus Galaxy.

As gentle hands pushed John's shoulders down to sit on an infirmary bed, he could still hear the echoing screams in his ears of his team mate. He wondered if he could ever look at Rodney the same way, under an circumstance and not have to think about how he would sound should pain ever he inflicted on him again. John had heard stories of these sounds piercing through a man's soul. He'd never really understood it until now. Rodney's screaming, his pleas for mercy, his flailing as he attempted to claw at himself to get rid of the pain – they would remain branded on John's memory forever.

"John?" someone called through the hazy fog, amid those screams. Mentally shaking himself from his daze, he looked up from the infirmary floor to Teyla's concerned eyes. "John, are you all right?"

The words took a few moments to sink in but he managed to compose himself. "I'm fine, Teyla." Or at least, I will be, he thought to himself.

Teyla obviously looked unconvinced but John would never let her know she was right in knowing his lie. And Teyla never said anything. She knew that John would never open up about it and certainly not straight away. Instead, she merely nodded and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Doctor Keller and her team are tending to Rodney right now. Someone will be over shortly to help you with your injuries."

It only just sunk into John that he was in the infirmary. He could smell the antiseptic. He could hear the hum of the ancient machines buzzing on standby. Of course he was in the infirmary; after all, he'd followed Rodney in here as the doctors dragged him away, attempting to sedate him. What he hadn't realized was that he was sitting on one of the beds and not in the waiting area, being riled into by Carter. Immediately, he jumped down from the bed. "I'm fine," he stated. "I just need to freshen up and then see how Rodney's doing."

"John," Teyla said gently but firmly. She put a hand to his chest halting any exit of his. Her face was a picture of confusion. "You cannot go anywhere. The doctors need to tend to your head wound. You shall require stitches."

John put a hand to his forehead. It came away with blood. "Stitches."

"Yes. Rodney hit you when he was…hurting." There was no missing the stumble in her sentence. What other words could she used though? When he was being tortured? When he was being burnt and lacerated from the inside?

"Right. I'll just…wait here, then."

Teyla nodded, silently glad that the Colonel was not going to kick up too much of a fuss over the situation. In the space of half an hour, John Sheppard had gone from virtually deranged, panicky and angry to silent, closed off and almost traumatized. Teyla would go out on a limb and say to use the term shell shocked would be appropriate in this situation. "Yes. Ronon and I are going to speak to Colonel Carter and brief her on what happened during the rescue mission." With that, she disappeared down of the door and John was left on his own, with a flurry of nurses and doctors bustling around him, none of them noticing him sitting on the infirmary bed.

John could never understand how one human being could inflict so much damage on another. He'd thought about this concept a lot more since arriving and going through all he had on Pegasus. Considering the grand scale of wars going on in the universe, fights between humans on earth seemed so petty. Yet they could cause enough damage to scar a man for life. John was amazed that many of them had some away unscathed from their encounters with the Wraith and the Replicators. That's not to say that emotional damage was not present. He had seen it in Elizabeth's eyes when she let her guard down. He'd seen it every time he passed by Rodney's lab and saw him still working at 3am. Ronon was a true testament to the fact. What the Wraith do to humans is enough to make the strongest of men fail. Therefore John forgets sometimes that humans can also do horrible things to another. Out of fear? For kicks? Retribution? The reasons were endless, but the results were always the same. And John marvelled how a race as amazing as humans could have some much hatred and maliciousness towards one another. It was no wonder the evils of the universe could never be destroyed.

A doctor arrived as John reached the end of his thoughts, prodding at the cut above his eyebrow with stinging alcohol wipes and then sewing in some stitches.

"How's Rodney?" he asked. "Have you seen him?"

"I'm not tending to Doctor McKay," the doctor replied, cutting off the string. "Dr Keller will have some answers for you when she comes out but from what I hear, he's managing to hold his own."

That was a vague answer if ever he heard it. No one was entirely sure what was wrong with Rodney. Suddenly, John wished Carson would appear from behind a curtain and assure him in that comforting voice of his that it was all right, Rodney would be fine and complaining as usual the next morning. There was familiarity and reassurance in that. John currently felt like he was standing alone.

Eventually Carter, Teyla and Ronon returned. He had little add to the story they had given about the search and rescue. Ultimately, it had been successful. They'd gotten Rodney back at the expense of killing a few hundred people. All they could do now was wait.

"There's nothing we can do by standing around here," Carter said, her arms folded over her chest, staring into the doorway of the infirmary where the bustle continued. Her worry was evident but as a leader, she had to be practical. "You've had a very long day, all of you. And as much as I know you'll not like it, it's probably a good idea if you go back to your quarters and rest for a while."

"I too believe that is a good idea," Teyla agreed. "The doctors could be in there for some time. John?"

John was in no position to argue. His head hurt, his body ached and his mind felt numb. His bed was a pleasant cocoon away from all those physical problems. Shame it couldn't take away the screams that echoed relentlessly in his mind long after his eyes drifted shut.

Somehow, sleeping seemed to help John, Ronon and Teyla. They woke up the next morning, after sleeping longer than they expected, feeling less like they were walking in a bubble and more alert. The whispers as they sat in the mess hall only highlighted what everyone was thinking, though. Rodney McKay had returned and people wondered what had happened on the search and rescue planet. None of them were prepared to talk about it with each other let alone anyone else yet.

Except Teyla.

"Colonel Carter was not happy with the course of action that we took on the planet Martas," she started. For her statement, she received no reaction from Sheppard or Ronon. They continued eating breakfast and with that, Teyla's frustration only grew. "Colonel Caldwell returned with the Daedalus to the planet on his way to Atlantis. There were no life signs reported." She pushed a pancake around the plate rather pathetically.

"Uh huh," John answered, non committal.

"It would appear that the C4 had the desired effect you intended."

"I'm glad."

Teyla frowned and leaned forward. "You are glad? John, innocent people were killed in that facility."

"Innocent people!" John exclaimed louder than he intended to, making a few heads turn. His expression turning hard, he lowered his voice. "There were no innocent people in that facility, Teyla. We set free the prisoners we could; it was not our mission to liberate an entire POW camp. The Martas, however, were _not _innocent. They were trained torturers. Which their government encouraged." He looked back down at his place. "Besides, some of those people were beyond saving."

"Some of them were not," Teyla replied with distaste.

"Teyla, I have seen many people in my time who suffered less than they did and had no hope of recovery. The majority of those people did get away. Now…as I said before, we let the C4 off in the main areas where the Martas were situated."

"And did they deserve the treatment we gave them?"

John paused for a steely moment. "Did you see what they did to Rodney?"

"Yes, I _did_, John. I was in the Jumper when he…" She paused and composed herself. "I would never wish that upon anybody. But I do not agree that killing others in cold blood was the correct action in the process of rescuing him. Do you think Rodney would have thought so?" Her words became crisper, sharper, highlighting her dislike for what they'd done.

"To be honest," Ronon piped up for the first time, "I'd have thought he would."

Teyla turned to him, sitting next to her. "You do? You are agreeing with what we did?"

Ronon shrugged, showing indifference. "Rodney's human. Vengeance is the most immediate reaction to something like this. I think it was the right thing to do in a short space of time. What were we supposed to do, let them continue torturing innocent people? Try and tell their corrupt government that we know their prisoner camp exists and they have to tear it down? Come back later to rescue them after we'd infiltrated it? At least this was an immediate solution. They're all free one way or another." There was silence for a moment at the table. Ronon took the opportunity to lean forward and continue eating his hash browns. "Anyway, what's done is done now. Now we just have to deal with it."

Teyla shook her head in disagreement, simmering beneath the surface. "How can you be so calm about what we have done?"

I'm not calm, John thought to himself. Anything but.

"Colonel Sheppard?" someone interrupted over the com. Immediately, their heads perked up at the sound of Dr Keller's voice. "When you're ready, can you and your team come down to the infirmary?"

John took a deep breath. "We'll be right there."

Standing up and not bothering to dispose of their trays, the team headed down to the infirmary where they saw Carter already engaged in deep conversation with Dr Keller. They tried not to let their guts twist at their serious faces as they turned to face the team. John knew it was too good to be true that it would all just work out. No one screamed in pain like Rodney did and was then on the mend less than twenty four hours later.

"Well?" he asked.

"Rodney's fine at the moment," she stated. "We've sedated him and given him a lot of morphine for the pain."

"What caused it, though?" Teyla asked.

Dr Keller looked exhausted and even that was an understatement. She looked like she might collapse any minute. "That's what we've been trying to work out. We took Rodney into surgery last night when he came in. Something was – well it was almost like he was being eaten from the inside. I know it sounds horrible. They're microscopic multi cellular organisms capable of going through flesh, tissue, muscle and even bone. There was a lot of internal damage. That's the reason he's been experiencing this pain."

"We think this is one of the torture techniques used by the Martas on their prisoners," Carter interjected, looking at the horrified faces of the team. If she was being true to herself, it left her stomach feeling a little queasy as well.

"Well…are these multi organisms gone?" Ronon asked.

"That's the problem; we can't get rid of them. We've tried everything from antibiotics, penicillin, and right down to trying to low level radiation therapy. It only seems to slow them down temporarily."

Teyla took a step forward. "You mean, Rodney is still undergoing the torture?"

Both Dr Keller and Carter nodded. "He'd sedated and is being given the highest dose of morphine which seems to stop the level of pain he was experiencing earlier. However, the damage that these organisms repetitively cause means that surgery is needed every so often to repair it. It stops us from making any headway on getting rid of them."

"They sound like nanites," Ronon hissed distastefully.

"They're not," Keller responded. "They're not machines. They are organic. Like a disease or a virus or a silver bullet. Its aim is to target an area and destroy."

"Wait a second, though, Rodney told me that they'd used this same technique on him before," John interrupted. "That first lot of organisms must have been wiped out before he was given this lot. There's obviously a way to get rid of them."

Dr Keller shrugged. "I'm afraid we don't know enough about it. Maybe some of them are programmed to only work for a short time. Maybe there's a way for the…interrogator to shut them off…"

"…And I highly doubt the Martas are going to hand over that piece of information now," Carter stated, looking disapprovingly at John.

John failed to back down, however. In fact, the situation only made him angrier. "We can try. Still, what are we going to do? I refuse to sit here waiting for a solution whilst McKay is being carved up over and over again. There has to be something we can do."

Dr Keller and Colonel Carter looked at each other. "Well, there is a way," Carter started. "And it seems to be our only proven option at the moment: We use the nanite programming that was used when Jeannie was infected a few weeks back. We know it works and at the moment, it's Rodney's best shot. Hopefully, they can repair him and get rid of these organisms."

John had a hatred for nanites now. Even Ronon and Teyla were anxious and using technology that was the basis for Replicator creation, especially after what it had done to Elizabeth. But seeing how the reprogramming had in fact help Rodney's sister with no permanent damage…it did seem like the only solution.

John nodded reluctantly, regretting the day they ever stepped onto Martas. "Okay. Do it."

_

* * *

_

_Three months earlier_

"Oh wonderful," Rodney murmured sarcastically when they exited the Stargate on the other side.

Teyla stopped beside him, surveying the area. "What is wrong with it?" she inquired, continuing to look at the sloping grasslands. The sun beat down on them but it was not too hot. In the distance there looked like there was a river or a stream. "This appears to be a pleasant planet."

"Hmm. Yes, I can see how this is the perfect picnic planet. Yet those always seem to be the ones where trouble starts. We never seem to have problems in jungle planets or snow planets. However, give us a good bit of field and agriculture and we're always in trouble."

"Come on, Rodney," John interrupted good naturedly appearing on his other side. "Pessimistic so close to the start of the mission? You'll jinx it. This is gonna be easy."

"I've jinxed it now, have I? Well, if I haven't, then you certainly have."

"Oh relax." John set off down the steps of the Stargate to the tall grass around the stone. The others followed on behind him, walking down to the bank of the grassy hill covered in what were the equivalent to dandelions in the direction of where they presumed was a settlement. "According to reliable sources, the Martas are quite advanced – medically anyway. Dr Keller is looking for more in the way of actual local medical treatments."

"Do we not have them already?" Ronon inquired, striding quickly beside them. "The infirmary seems to have everything for anything."

"It has much in the way of Ancient diagnostic equipment. However, for medical treatments, we are very much limited to Earth based medicines. That and the nanites…"

"Which we are not for general use," John interjected.

"Not until we can make them more stable," Rodney agreed. "And even so, right now the science team is far more concerned with trying to shut down the Replicators with nanites rather than create the next medical cure for well…everything. Seriously, could you imagine how amazing nanite technology could be for helping almost every disease there was. There would be no cancer, no heart trouble…"

"Rodney," John growled. "Thinking too far ahead into the future."

"I don't like them," Ronon stated firmly. "I'd rather die in pain than let those things run lose in me, even if they were doing good."

John shrugged, wiping his forehead with his sleep as the air around them began to get hotter from their walking, now uphill. "Well, each to his own. Rodney, do you have anything yet or are we going to walk straight until we hit something."

Rodney gave him a sardonic glance. "How is that different to what we normally do? I think there's something up ahead, about another ten minutes away. And unless I see something resembling New York standing up amongst the grass, I am going to seriously doubt their so called medical expertise."

He was correct. After ten minutes of walking, general bantering and complaints about the insects, some sort of settlement appeared as they reached the top of yet another grassy plane. They looked down on what appeared to be a sprawling mass of bubble enclosed territory. They area was covered in what looked like large round interconnecting glass…well, bubbles. It reminded John of those large greenhouse exhibitions where they would grow flowers and trees and any other tropical plants. The modern glass look of the area seemed somewhat out of place amongst the grassland of the area around them. At least, Rodney thought to himself, they weren't farmers, which reduced their chances of being killed by half. There was just something about farmers…

They started down the hill again and as they came closer, there appeared to be a door at the foot of one of the bubbles. In fact, the bubbles were much larger up closer, reaching a height of what must have been a skyscraper. Rodney realized that maybe this was some weird form of alien New York after all. Perhaps this wouldn't be a wasted trip.

Before they reached the door, however, it opened for them and out came a woman, greeting them before the entrance. "Welcome," she stated, bowing her head, allowing her dark hair to fall past her shoulders for a second. "My name is Teera, advisor to the High Chancellor."

John nodded and introduced his team to the woman. "Is this Martas?" he inquired. "We were told there was a city on the planet called that."

Teera nodded in return. "This is indeed Martas. Do you wish to speak to the High Chancellor?"

John looked around and shrugged, giving the woman a lazy but warm smile. "Sure, why not."

They were unable to see much of the city. As soon as they got inside of the doors, Teera led them to a lift which from the feel of it, went up incredibly high. After what felt like ages, reaching the top of the bubble, they were led along a corridor. It felt bizarre. They could see outside of the bubble onto the grassy fields around them even though they hadn't been able to see inside when they were outside. It even felt like the heat of the sun was shining through giving the area warmth. Yet they walked across a metallic platform over to a singular door at the end, which opened automatically for them as they entered, Teera following behind them.

A man got up from a chair and walked around to greet them. "Welcome," he said pleasantly. "Welcome to Martas."

* * *

_Present Day_

The infirmary was silent when John entered it later that evening. At around 6 o'clock the majority of people disappeared to the mess hall to eat leaving a skeletal amount of people on duty, especially in the infirmary. None of them had been able to see Rodney all day. At around midday, after their conversation over the nanites, Rodney's kidneys had shut down as a result of the organisms tearing up his body. He'd been in surgery for a long time and then given extra time to recuperate after being dosed with some more radiation therapy. It seemed to be the only way to slow down their progress. Amidst the general waiting John had divided his time between avoiding Carter and with Radek in the lab, helping him in any way he could with the nanite programme. Now, he finally returned to the infirmary.

The lights were dim. Rodney lay on a bed. Somehow he just looked like he was sleeping. There were loads of wires attached to him, checking his heart, his lungs, his kidneys and anything that could monitor his organs to let the doctors know what was being attacked. John knew however, he was continuously being attacked. Rodney just couldn't see it. The dim lights of the infirmary made him appear not so pale although John could tell he was white as a sheet under the glow.

He didn't know what to say. John had never been good with death or near death, especially when it was one of his friends. He had never been one to talk to hospital patients and assure them everything would be all right. He wasn't even really the touchy feely type. John wondered what the hell he was doing here or if it was just morbid curiosity. Maybe he was just wanted to make sure for himself that Rodney was alive and they had actually brought him back because he couldn't remember much of what had happened on the rescue.

"You heading out tomorrow?" a voice said behind him, which would have made him jump had his military training not prepared him for any indication someone was in his surroundings. Technically, as an office herself, he expected better from Carter, but maybe she was deliberately making her presence known.

He also knew he couldn't hide from her forever. "Yeah. I thought I'd give it a shot talking to Sartov. Maybe he can find some compassion in our cause for what he did."

"You're not expecting miracles, though."

"No, not really. The nanite programme is all we really have."

"Well, Radek is giving it the final tweaks. It should be ready tomorrow; hopefully he'll hold out till then." John nodded silently. "How are you holding up?"

"I'm all right. Just…"

"Angry?"

"Something like that."

Carter sighed and came to stand at the foot of the bed next to John. "Anger makes people do stupid things. Look, I know why you did what you did. And although I don't condone it at all, and you had better make you sure you never do anything like this again, I'm not putting it down on record."

John turned to her in surprise. "You're making a rather dangerous decision."

"So did you. But I learnt a lot from General O'Neil. And I know I'd have a harder time keeping you hear if the IOA ever found out." Silence descended on the infirmary again. John wasn't going to offer any more information than he had to. However, he knew there was more that Carter wanted to say otherwise she would have gone already. "It's going to take a lot of time for everybody to get over this. Your team, I mean. And especially Rodney after we get these organisms out of him. He's been through a lot the last few months. The things he must have gone through and seen…"

"I saw the facility. And only a glimpse of it at that." John raised an eyebrow. "We don't have a psychiatrist anymore. Not since Heightmeyer…"

"I know. Earth is supposed to be shipping us with another one at some point. Until then…well, I think this is something as a team you should do. I know you won't admit it out loud, John, but your team is close. The things Stargate teams go through ensure that. And you're their leader. You have to undertake the responsibility to getting your team through this. And prevent Rodney from having a breakdown."

John screwed up his face. "I'm not really…_good_ at that sort of thing. Not my forte."

"I know. Think of it as helping your team. And your punishment instead of me writing up a report on the actions in Martas."

She turned and started to walk out of the infirmary. "You sound like you're certain Rodney will make it out of this," John interrupted.

Sam turned around and gave him a small smile. "Give Rodney some credit, John. He's strong. You all are. And you know it." With that, she left the infirmary.

With that hint of worrying growing in his chest again at more responsibility – a responsibility he wasn't sure he could undertake – he went and sat down in a chair beside Rodney. The scientist was perfectly still except occasionally there was a twitch in his face and his body, indicating that although the morphine was working, there was hell going on inside him. John didn't know what to say and Rodney couldn't even hear him. He could tell Rodney that they got the bastards back; he was sorry that he hadn't been able to help Rodney earlier; the apologies were endless.

_You are far more apt at rescuing me from this situation than I would be for you. Now just go and come back for me later._

Who knew Rodney could eventually grow to be self sacrificial. More times than it was good for him it seemed. "You asshole," he hissed at Rodney and got up to walk out of the infirmary, feeling no better than when he went in.

TBC...


	2. Chapter 2

COMING TO TERMS

By Vescaus

Disclaimer: No ownership claiming here

Spoilers: General Season 4 spoilers. Takes place after _Miller's Crossing _but before _This Mortal Coil._

Notes: Sorry for the massive delay but University takes up a great deal of my time. From now on updates will be more regular.

* * *

_Chapter Two_

John and his team, backed up with Lorne for good measure entered Martas rather forcefully the next day. Teera was not at the door to greet them but they pushed past the newly placed advisor and up to Sartov's office room at the top. They were met with virtually no resistance just watchful eyes of those who guarded the city from trouble. John and his team were not so heavily guarded themselves. Asking for help whilst clad from head to toe in combat gear was, in Sam's opinion, not the best way to go it.

Sartov stood up as they entered the room, his long coat swishing by his feet. His expression was stern as he regarded the four of them. "I thought I told you repeatedly not to return to Martas. No good will come to the Atlanteans here."

"Yeah, you made sure of that, didn't you," Ronon insisted, his finger itching for his gun. However, he had been told, even by John, that they were not going to solve this by shooting up the city. It was a city inhabited by civilians after all oblivious as to what goes on at the top in terms of politics. This time, they were not going to blow the whole place up.

"I believe I have told you before, I do not know what you are talking about," Sartov answered.

"I'm sure by now you've heard that your base on Guay has been destroyed. We took care of that for you. Hanol told us everything we needed to know – albeit unwillingly – about your government's support for their activities there. You were _torturing _innocent people. You funded the torture of these people. Of _our _man."

Sartov's eyes narrowed slightly. "And you believe everything that little swipe of a man Hanol told you."

"I find military men much more trustworthy than politicians," John sneered back.

Sartov looked like he was going to shout something back. Instead, he returned to the back of his office and sat in his seat, looking down upon the four Atlantis. "Colonel Sheppard, I shall enlighten you on the history of the Martas people. For over two hundred years now we have been a democratic society. Martas spans thousands of miles and there are elections here and institutions for the people that live here. Before that, however, Martas and the lands around it were run by a military faction – the Guays – and I'm sure you can imagine what their priorities were. After all, you are a military man yourself." John eyes only narrowed. "Anyway, since the revolution and the ousting of the Guays into the lands beyond the barriers of Martas we pride ourselves in our technological advancement. Medical advancement specifically. The Guays were always capable of military progression and their – unique – capabilities. We were separate peoples and there was no need for our societies to come into contact again."

"Until recently," Teyla said calmly. "Hanol told us of your co-operation. Even Teera stated you have been dealing with the Guays."

Sartov stood up, looking slightly regretful. "Unfortunately, in times like this, it all boils down to survival. Especially since the Wraith awoke early. And now…now the tides of war have changed and a new force has entered play. Everyone can feel the change even if they do not know what it is. Yet everyone knows the Atlanteans have been responsible for all the changes that have taken place recently. That of the Replicators and their plans to destroy human worlds." He cleared his throat. "The Guays had the necessary means to extract information. In return we gave them a separate area on the other side of the planet to conduct their tasks."

"Well, when we came here it must have been the perfect opportunity to extract information from us," John said.

Sartov nodded, rising from his seat. "Many people know of you, Colonel Sheppard. And of Doctor McKay. Captured Genii and even Wraith have told us much about you. Dr McKay provided us with some very…interesting and useful information himself regarding plans to destroy the Replicators."

"You cannot have the nanite programme."

Sartov approached them slowly. "I know. And I had a feeling that would be your response to my request as well. After all, receiving the glory for ridding the Galaxy of its menaces is in an Atlanteans blood. However, we can make much productive use of this nanite programme in probably a shorter amount of time."

"Trust me, you do not have the skills," John insisted slowly but firmly, wishing he could shoot the man dead. But he knew that would not solve their problems.

"I know why you have come here," Sartov suddenly said, changing the course of the direction entirely. "I am well aware of the techniques used by the Guays. I should imagine that Doctor McKay was in quite some pain when you retrieved him…"

John tried not to close his eyes to block out Rodney's screams again.

"…Technical and medical information is not exchanged between the Guays and the Martas. But I offer you a trade. In return for providing us with the nanite programme I shall retrieve the medicine that will help cure Dr McKay of his never-ending pain."

John couldn't believe what he was hearing. It had always knotted John's stomach to see two faced men. Someone who was nice to one person and then cruel and malicious to another. John wondered whether the people of Martas had ever seen this since of their Chancellor before. "I'm not in the least tempted by your offer," John started. "For one, the fact that you would bargain a man's life and suffering for a piece of information makes me lose any credibility you had left. 

Secondly, I wouldn't trust you to get the cure even if you _could _get it from the Guays. Which I don't even think you can. You have gotten nothing out of this."

Sartov sat back in his chair a sly smile spreading across his face. "Perhaps not what I specifically wanted. But you have helped me in some ways, Colonel Sheppard. For all their uses, the Guays were a thorn in my side. With your annihilation of their complex, the faction has been completely weakened and I should not be troubled anymore. And on top of that, Dr McKay has provided us with enough information on the current situation than a thousand others could ever give." He smiled at them. "Please have a safe journey home."

John was at first worried about that implication. Yet they made it to the Stargate safely. Upon arriving, John was nearly ready to hurl his pack and berretta against a wall just to see something get smashed again.

"No go?" Sam asked, seeing the expression on his face.

Teyla shook her head. "I'm afraid Sartov was rather reluctant to help us unless we gave him the nanite programme and Colonel Sheppard refused. We will have to use the nanites in order to help Dr McKay."

Sighing with reluctance, Sam nodded. "I'll tell Dr Keller."

* * *

_Three Months Ago_

"Welcome to Martas," the man said.

That was the first time they met Sartov. He was fairly old, yet showed no sense of frailty. His shoulders were broad and strong and although he held a cane, it seemed to be for a damaged leg as opposed to old age. As John introduced them, he could see his eyes inspecting them as if trying to decipher whether they should be trusted or not. It seemed a complete contrast to the welcoming nature of Teera. He held strength that was noticeable to all of them. "My name is Sartov. I am the High Councillor for the Republic of Martas. This is my advisor, Teera. We were alerted by the activity of the Stargate to your presence."

"Ooh, you have sensors?" Rodney automatically interjected, earning himself a jab in the ribs from Sheppard, who didn't want to take the topic of conversation immediately onto whatever scientific facts Rodney had been accumulating in his head since they saw the city. In return, Sheppard received an indignant glare.

Sartov simply smiled a genuine reaction, the first time John believed they would be on friendly terms with the man. "We have ways of meeting our needs and specifically, protecting ourselves. You are welcome to look round some of our facilities, as I see you are probably interested in some of our defensive techniques."



Rodney nodded enthusiastically, his brain immediately conjuring up ideas of wonderful power supply units, ZPMs and other wonderful things this more than advanced society could provide them. Despite all the losses, Rodney never lost faith that there was something out there, a discovery waiting to aid them. Scientific discovery was something at least, Rodney could never lose faith in. In his mind, he was thinking that finally, a civilization could provide them with something useful for a change.

"Thanks, we'll take it into consideration," John stated, flashing Rodney a miniature grin just to annoy him, although having every intention to let Rodney run around like a pig in a playpen. "We're quite all right on the protecting our home front. We're actually quite interested on the medicine that you've been so highly acclaimed for."

Sartov looked at them for a moment, not menacingly, but more contemplatively. John wondered for a moment, how many visitors this society got and that was the reason for his slight coldness to them. Even Teera beside him seemed to shift somewhat uncomfortably, as if sensing what her boss was about to say. "You are the Atlanteans, are you not?"

John had to admire Teyla and Ronon. He, a military man, was used to keeping his emotions plain. Rodney had finally learnt to play dumb. He was happy that both Ronon and Teyla could pull off the best straight face and not give any indication of what he was talking about them him alone. Atlantis was something to be protected. It was bad enough the Wraith, the Replicators and the Genii knew the city still existed. However, with the ability to start afresh in a new planet, it was highly beneficial that the whereabouts of Atlantis be kept secret. Sadly, it seemed that nowhere in the Pegasus Galaxy could be trusted. Which was a shame considering they were ultimately after the same goals.

"You need not answer directly," Sartov said, standing up from his chair and smiling. "Only one civilization on this whole galaxy would deny access to defensive techniques. Furthermore, it's not like the exploits of the Atlanteans are unknown to us. We are extremely glad that those who now inhabit the Ancestral home world have finally come to us."

John nodded and rocked on his heels a bit. "Oh. Well, it's nice to be here...finally."

Sartov smiled as he rounded his desk enthusiastically. "The exploits of the Atlanteans are well known among the Galaxy now. But you say you are interested in medical technology. Well, we pride ourselves in our advancement of that area. It is the one good thing we have to help ourselves against the Wraith."

"I find it amazing that your advancement has gone undetected by the Wraith," Teyla noted.

"The Wraith have not come to our planet for several hundred years now." Sartov smiled genuinely and his old face, which had seemed frail when sitting down showed some youth. "It is quite remarkable considering their early awakening that they did not reach us. Since then we have tried to improve our defences. My son has been leading the research and development into aiding the strength of the borders around Martas."

John raised his eyebrows at this news and shared a look with Teyla. "That's...remarkable," he stated, although quietly admonished that any planet which had such a good record probably was not letting on as much as they should. He kept that to himself, though. There was no reason to start making enemies before formalities had even been completed. It was a shame that John didn't notice from that moment on how Sartov looked at Rodney with a sense of glee in his eyes. If he had, the next few months could have been avoided earlier on.

* * *

_Present Day_

The nanites seemed to be working successfully. Dr Keller reported that the damage being done to Rodney's body was diminishing bit by bit. Now it was just a waiting game. It was hoped that within forty eight hours, Rodney would be fully recovered and given a completely clean bill of health. John found it impossible to simply stand back and wait that long, however. Running helped little, as did sparring with Ronon. There was nothing left to annoy the scientists about. As he expected, John found himself heading towards the infirmary again.

Teyla was already there, sitting silently by his bedside, holding his hand. As he approached the dimmed area, he could see she was whispering in his ear presumably words of comfort as the battle continued inside of him. A fine sheen of sweat coated his skin giving his pale complexion a further pallid look. His body trembled ever so slightly as he lay on the bed occasionally tensing up and giving a soft grunt of what John presumed was pain. However, with Teyla's soothing words, his body calmed down a little bit and there was less shaking. Thank goodness, because John wasn't sure he could cope watching somebody undergo a torture where he was helpless.

"How's he doing?" he whispered.

"I believe he will be fine. The nanites are working successfully. He has woken up a few times but the procedure takes a toll on his strength. How is your head?"

"It hurts. Why is he not in a chemically induced coma? I mean, they did that with Jeannie."

"I believe Dr McKay wished to be awake. He wanted to know what was going on. Which is understandable for Rodney. He always likes to know what is going on." She stood up pushing her chair back. "Sit with him for a while. I just need to go and get a drink from the mess hall. I will be back soon."

Nodding, John simply stood where he was, staring at Rodney's form. He knew he could not be as good as Teyla in the whole comforting department. Would his voice only make things worse in Rodney's recovery given what he'd done? After all, he had technically abandoned Rodney to the Guay, which led to this whole catastrophe. Betrayal was something Rodney would exaggerate and take to heart, undoubtedly. And even if Rodney said he didn't feel betrayed…well John felt like he had. For the best part of these few months, guilt had been eaten at his very conscience. It had been guilt above all which drove him to finding Rodney. Guilt for abandonment and that he was not achieving his promise sooner.

_You are far more apt at rescuing me from this situation than I would be for you. Now just go and come back for me later._

_I'll come back. It won't be long, I promise._

What John hadn't been able to promise was exactly how long coming back would take.

Of course he'd protested. For all the clichés, he considered it his duty to protect the people of Atlantis, and when out in the field, to protect his team. He'd failed miserably three months ago. Watching Rodney disappear on that strange contraption, taken somewhere thousands of miles away was one of the most difficult things John had to do. He'd always been the one to sacrifice himself or do the dirty work. Teyla and Ronon were perfectly capable of handling themselves in difficult situations and had their self sacrificial moments. Rodney, on the other hand, was different. John didn't want to use the word protect – that word applied less and less to Rodney these days. He had grown into a rather competent soldier himself, understanding battle and seeing sacrifice where necessary.

John regretted that it had inevitably happened.

A louder grunt of pain brought John out of his reverie. Turning his gaze onto the occupant on the bed, he was surprised to see Rodney's eyes open. "You're awake. Rodney, can you hear me?" Rodney closed his eyes and after a second, nodded. "Are you in pain?"

A chuckle escaped Rodney's mouth and although John was happy to hear him make a sound, the bitterness encased in that hoarse sound didn't make him feel convinced. "I think I'm probably always in pain. It's all relative now." The glassiness in Rodney's eyes reminded John of the drug induced state Rodney was in and the delirium he was probably experiencing at the hands of all this pain.

"You should have gone into the coma," John insisted. "At least for the two days."

Rodney closed his eyes again and hissed through his teeth as his body clenched for a second or two. Then he relaxed and collapsed back on the bed again. "It's not so bad. It's like I can feel it working inside me. They're getting down to it, repairing damaged cells and killing off…whatever caused this. It's ingenious, really, what the Pegasus Galaxy has. I could spend forever studying it."

"Yeah, studying is better than experiencing, I'm sure."

Rodney laughed again then railroaded right over his statement. "Then again…it's the ultimate experiment. Hands on approach. What better way to study than to experience?"

"Well next time, controlled conditions, what do you say?" Rodney nodded vigorously.

There was silence for a few minutes apart from Rodney's laboured breathing. The man was staring at the ceiling as if concentrating, willing the nanites to do their work quickly and get down to it. John wondered if Rodney knew someone was there let alone who it even was. He was shaking but John couldn't bring himself to touch him. He didn't feel like he deserved to, besides what good would it do? If it were him in that bed, he would find sympathetic touches annoying and meaningless. Rodney was not one for nonchalance and sympathy for the sake of sympathising. After all there _was _nothing Jon could do. Except state that eventually it would be all right.

"Do you think," Rodney suddenly said, breathy, blinking rapidly. "Do you think…a person can be punished enough for everything they've done wrong?" His eyes met John's inquisitive ones but quickly looked away as if he found them too intense or maybe he was embarrassed. His breath hitched a little as his hands began to grab at the bed sheets. "I've never believed in God. Heaven, hell or purgatory. It all seems so pointless. There's enough crap in the real world to deal with…without having to worry about afterwards. But since coming to the Pegasus Galaxy and having done all the things I've done, I'm beginning to wonder…wonder if someone has it in for me. Someone on a higher plane who's decided this really is it for me."

"Rodney." John knew that was not the response that he was looking for. It also came out harsher than he intended to. But he didn't know what to say and he certainly didn't want to hear Rodney talking about this. It unnerved it.

"I've had a lot of time to think," Rodney said, his voice going quieter but his shivering began to get more intense. "If I wasn't having some kind of pain inflicting session with Hanol, I was sitting in that cell listening to the sounds of other people. Others being tortured, possibly killed or just sitting in their cells in their delirium, talking to themselves over and over and over again. I had to think these thoughts out loud just stop those sounds getting into my head; it was driving me mad. And what I thought…What killed me in that cell sometimes after Hanol was finished – what killed me was lying there in the dark thinking of all the people that have died. All those thousands of people who had died indirectly by we – what _I – _have done here on Atlantis. I'll never even _know _how many…" His voice became quieter and quieter and more horrified as he spoke.

"…Rodney, stop," John hissed firmly.

"We've done terrible things since coming here," whispered now, barely audible. "We've done more bad than good for the people. All I ever wanted to do was study the Ancients and follow them. And in doing so I've found out that we are no better than they were. It wasn't worth the loss of all this life. Of Elizabeth, I don't think I can ever forgive myself. Or the people dying at the hands of the Replicators or Wraith for a war that we started. _I _started this war and I cannot forgive myself. My God, I can't even get over Carson and the many different ways that day could have panned out if I'd just _listened_." Rodney took a scary sounding intake of breath, as if he was choking. His eyes had begun watering and the restless movements were only increasing. "I'm a real serial killer."

John leaned forward and grabbed Rodney's shoulders. "You didn't kill anybody, Rodney, now snap out of this."

Rodney made a sound that sounded like a sob and turned his head to the side, his hand gripping the sheets in an iron grip. "Carson…get Carson," he whispered quietly, making John's hand freeze from where they were clasped around Rodney's shoulders.

"John!" a voice shouted from the doorway and his head turned to see Teyla there, a thunderous look on her face.

For a long moment they were simply staring at each other. John knew his action was hardly the appropriate one to give to a suffering patient and he expected Teyla to well and truly reprimand him in a way that only Teyla could. Morally, Teyla could make anybody feel bad and right now, John did not need that. "I don't know what to say to him," he only rasped, his fingers loosening their hold on Rodney's shoulders as he continued to babble in the background about Carson, Elizabeth, the Replicator/Wraith War and a whole load of things that John spent every day in his spare time trying to forget.

Teyla nodded and approached him as a nurse seemingly appeared out of nowhere to administer some more multi-named drugs into Rodney's system. Almost immediately the sob like noises and restless movements ceased and his exhausted figure collapsed on the bed. Teyla looked at John firmly. There was a painfully long silence, broken only by the sound of Rodney's laboured blabbering and the heart monitor beside him. John could think of nothing to say to justify his actions and Teyla was waiting for her own anger to subside before she could objectively speak.

"Dr Keller says that the nanites would – wreak havoc, I believe she said – on Rodney's body. They would cause fever and possibly delirium as they repaired him. It is understandable that he would say or do strange things. Also, he is still in a state of shock over what has happened. His adrenaline levels have been abnormally high since his rescue."

John shook his head, barely processing the medical justifications she was giving. He stepped away from the bed and slumped into a seat nearby. "I can't do it, Teyla. I don't think I can help Rodney out of this."

The Athosian's eyes widened in disbelief and worst of all, disappointment. "But John…you are best equipped to help Rodney through this time." _You are far more apt at rescuing me from this situation than I would be for you_. "You cannot abandon him."

"I can't," John answered. "I can't answer his questions, I can't lie to him to make him feel better and tell him it's going to be all right when it's probably not. How am I, of all people, going to do this and know…"

Teyla paused. "Know what, John?"

Instead of answering, he turned around and walked towards the door. "It…it doesn't matter, all right? There are just some things people can't do, even for friends. Now, I know that makes me sound bad and I'm sorry. But there are people more suited to helping Rodney than me. I'll only make things worse." And for the second time in two days he left the infirmary feeling unsatisfactory, this time leaving a bemused Teyla.

TBC...


End file.
